[Sailor Moon Stupid, Ep #2]

ANNOUNCER

When we last left our fearless, clueless heroines, they were being attacked by Ted Turner's hideous dubbed creation, the Character Formerly Known as Naru-chan... MOLLY. Let's watch and see how they kill Turner... oops, I wasn't supposed to tell you that...

[OP]

MOLLY

Let's get in owah cah and go get some clam chowdah ovah heah!

SAILOR MOON

Ooooh... yurusunai!

[Moon Spiral Heart attack music starts]

[SAILOR MOON produces the Spiral Heart Rod and goes through several backtwisting maneuvers, finally ending up in three point position. Unfortunately, since the attack takes 30 seconds, TED TURNER has already moved somewhere else when it finally fires.]

SAILOR MOON

WAAAAA!!! I want an attack that takes less time!

SAILOR VENUS

VENUS LOVE-ME CHAIN!

[VENUS' tried and true golden chain shoots from her hand and ensnares TED TURNER]

TED TURNER

Oooh! Kinky! Yes... in the name of the Moon, PUNISH ME!

SAILOR JUPITER

ECCHI!

TED TURNER

Yes, but you already knew that from all the shows I put on. Duckman? Weird Science? Silk Stalkings?

SAILOR MERCURY

Hey, I watch Weird Science...

SAILOR MARS

You would.

SAILOR MERCURY

BIIIDA!

TED TURNER

Oh, you pretty young things... how'd you like your own LATE NIGHT TV SPECIAL...?

[the SAILOR SENSHI look at the pervert, look at each other, look at the pervert... then TURN on him. If you thought Akane and Lum could mess people up when they get mad, this is WORSE.]

TED TURNER

Ha! You may have defeated me, but I still have CNN, TBS, USA, Headline News, the Atlanta Hawks, the Atlanta Braves, the OMNI Center in Atlanta, the Sci-Fi Channel, and the Cartoon Network! Who knows, maybe one day they'll be showing YOUR show!

[The SENSHI slap their foreheads in frustration]

SAILOR MOON

There's just no dealing with some people.

[JUPITER kicks him in the head while he's down]

SAILOR MOON

Feel better?

SAILOR JUPITER

A little.

SAILOR MOON

Good, now let's un-dub Naru-chan and get moving.

SAILOR MARS

Right! How do we do this?

SAILOR MERCURY

A little like this...

[MERCURY gives NARU-CHAN the Heimlich Maneuver, and she spits out the black tape. Then she forces the original tape back down her throat.]

NARU-CHAN

Wow, tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited.

SAILOR VENUS

That was tasteless.

NARU-CHAN

No, actually it tasted like chicken.

SAILOR VENUS

What doesn't?

SAILOR JUPITER

Kenny Rogers' Roasters, Colonel's Rotisserie Gold, McDonald's McChicken, Chicken McNuggets...

SAILOR VENUS

Ooh, true... good point...

[ep title: The Senshi Go to Hel... er... that Hot Place! Return of the Outer Senshi!]

[dissolve to the THREE BILLS]

BANDAI

Damn, they got past Ted Turner!

CLINTON

I have a cunning plan!

GATES

If this involves comfy chairs, we're gonna KICK you.

CLINTON

Far from it. I have some people they should meet...

[dissolve back to JERRY SEINFELD and KRAMER in the cafe. A bass guitar plays the intro...]

JERRY SEINFELD

So you're telling me the anime is about... nothing?

KRAMER

The anime is about nothing.

JERRY SEINFELD

How can the anime be about nothing, it has a plot, doesn't it?

KRAMER

Okay, it's about a bunch of girls in sailor suits.

JERRY SEINFELD

Okay, girls in sailor suits, now we're getting somewhere... why sailor suits?

KRAMER

Well, because they're Sailor Senshi.

JERRY SEINFELD

Okay, fine. What's a Sailor Senshi?

KRAMER

Well, it's like a super hero in a sailor suit.

JERRY SEINFELD

Wouldn't a female super hero be called a super heroine though?

KRAMER

Well, it doesn't matter nowadays.

JERRY SEINFELD

What?!

KRAMER

Well, "hero" is a gender indeterminate term now... you know, like "mailman".

JERRY SEINFELD

A female mailman is a mailman?

KRAMER

Exactly!

JERRY SEINFELD

So these Sailor Senshi... they're like mailmen?

KRAMER

They're like super heroes.

JERRY SEINFELD

So why do they have the sailor suits? Why not business suits?

KRAMER

Well they wouldn't be Sailor Senshi without the sailor suits!

JERRY SEINFELD [makes a face]

Oookay. And these Sailors... they have a ship?

KRAMER

No, no ship.

JERRY SEINFELD

No ship? So what makes them sailors?

KRAMER

The sailor suits, Jer!

[bass guitar/trumpet music]

[dissolve back to the SENSHI]

SAILOR MERCURY

We seem to be coming up on some kind of strange... disturbance!

SAILOR MOON

In the Force?

[everyone sweatdrops except SAILOR MOON, who remains looking clueless]

SAILOR MERCURY

Sure, Usagi-chan, in the Force.

SAILOR MOON

Waiwai!

SAILOR MARS

Usagi-chan and Mihoshi, separated at birth.

SAILOR MOON

I HEARD THAT, REI-CHAN!

[MERCURY touches her earring and activates her visor]

SAILOR MERCURY

Ach du lieber!

SAILOR MOON

You found something?!

SAILOR MERCURY

No, my visor's in German!

[author's note - watch the R movie. It _IS_ in German!]

SAILOR MOON

Gee, I hope we don't get sucked in.

[everyone gets sucked in]

SAILOR MARS

Speaking of things that SUCK...

SAILOR MOON

You have not contributed one positive thing to this entire series YET, Rei-chan! Usually you're off warding youma or interpreting dreams or having them or something!

SAILOR MARS

BIIIIIDAH! It's only episode 2!

SAILOR MOON

SO?! You had a nightmare about Sailor Saturn in the FIRST EPISODE of Sailor Moon S, and that was our most popular series yet!

SAILOR MARS

You expect me to dream something up now?

SAILOR MOON

No, I expect you to contribute instead of INSULTING ME!

SAILOR MARS

Baka Usagi-chan! Don't you KNOW? You're the comic relief! We HAVE to insult you!

SAILOR MOON

D'oh!

SAILOR MERCURY

Minna, I think we know where we are...

[the SENSHI are in a huge flaming area full of fire, brimstone, and lava]

SAILOR JUPITER

Where the HELL...?!

SAILOR MERCURY

Darn, you guessed it.

SAILOR MOON, VENUS, JUPITER, MARS

We're in HELL?!?!?!!!

SAILOR MERCURY

Um... kind of... uh... ano... yeah.

[suddenly, in a cloud of sulfurous ash, a big red guy with horns, cloven hooves, and a pitchfork appears]

SATAN

I am MEPHISTOPHELES, the DARK UNDERLORD OF HADES! FEAR ME!

SAILOR VENUS

Who's that guy?

SAILOR MOON

Don't ask me... Shinto people aren't supposed to believe in Satan.

SAILOR MARS [withdrawing a ward]

Akuryou... TAISAN!

[MARS slams the ward on SATAN's forehead]

SATAN

Ooh... Post-It Note(tm) of death.

[SATAN pulls the ward off]

SAILOR MARS

It didn't work!

SATAN

Of course not! I'm pure evil! You can't neutralize it all at the SAME TIME! It's like a nicotine patch! One of them ALONE doesn't work!

[the SENSHI blink at each other]

SATAN

You know, Hell gets a lot of bad publicity... it's that whole Bible thing... those guys really gave me a bad reputation. I'm really not that bad a guy once you get to know me. That's why I've invested in this great advertising campaign to get the word out about how great Hell is.

[the SENSHI get sweatdrops on the backs of their heads]

SATAN

Take a look... here's a brochure... "HELL... Sam Kinison, Jim Morrison, and Kurt Cobain Can't Be Wrong!" and here's another one "HELL... It's No Longer a Four Letter Word!" and my PERSONAL favorite, "HELL... The Ultimate Campfire Singalong!"

SAILOR VENUS

Wow, they're roasting marshmallows in that picture...

SAILOR MOON

I don't get it... whatever happened to Eternal Suffering?

SATAN

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Get with the times, Sailor Moon! Hell's just a place for dead celebrities and other tough guys, and people that play that Magic: The Gathering game... or that Vampire: The Masquerade game... or people that read R.L. Stine books...

[TIM B. pops up]

TIM B.

This isn't funny, Kevin. I'm gonna bite you now.

[KEVIN conveniently writes TIM out of the story]

SAILOR MOON

So... um... how do we get out of Hell?

SATAN

Escape from Hell?! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! Do you really think you can escape from Hell?

[SENSHI ummmm....]

SATAN

Oh well. That was a rhetorical question. Since this story has no plot, I'll give you a chance. You must defeat...

[dramatic pause]

REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES!

[suddenly BOB DOLE, PAT BUCHANAN and STEPHEN FORBES appear]

[SENSHI scream in terror]

[fade out, go to eyecatch, then to commercial]

****************************************************************************

[LUNA is crushed under the hiragana for...]

ANNOYING KIDS [singing]

Baka-yo-shi!

SCARY NAKAYOSHI GUY

Hai, minna! It's ME again, the Scary Nakayoshi Guy! It seems LAST week we had a failure to communicate... so this week we're going to make it perfectly clear... BUY OUR SAILOR MOON STUFF, OR WE'RE SENDING NINJAS TO YOUR HOUSE!

****************************************************************************

[back from commercial]

[establishing shot: An utterly LUXURIANT house with two cars in the driveway... one is a yellow convertible reminiscent of a Dodge Viper. It has the license plate "25-00". The other is a white European sports car... much like a Porsche]

[cue high-society music]

MICHIRU

Oh, you mean WE get to be in this too? How damn KIND.

HARUKA

Ara, you know, I really don't like people making fun of me... especially in childish lampoons like this...

[HARUKA and MICHIRU blink]

HARUKA, MICHIRU

Okay, WHO SWAPPED THE CUE CARDS?

[HOTARU meanders by, randomly changing from age six to age sixteen, then SETSUNA appears from somewhere obscure]

SETSUNA

The time of the... gerbil... draws nigh.

HARUKA

What the hell does that mean?

SETSUNA

Um... I dunno, it's supposed to be cryptic.

HARUKA

Say something REALLY cryptic, Setsuna.

SETSUNA

Something REALLY cryptic, Setsuna.

[HARUKA and MICHIRU smack their foreheads]

SETSUNA [thinking to herself]

Heh. Silly mortals. While this manifestation of me appears in my place, my REAL self is lounging around in the Bahamas with coconut oil being rubbed on me, loud island music being played, and a dozen handsome nut-brown colored men shamelessly hitting on me. Being a pandimensional space/time being is SO COOL.

MICHIRU [reading Setsuna's thoughts, but said out loud]

So THAT'S why you're always so relaxed...

HARUKA

Ahem. Yes. Well. I suppose you've all sensed this new threat... should we do something about it?

MICHIRU

Probably not. It's just not worth it. Let's sit around and idly flirt with each other, Haruka.

HARUKA

No, no, we get a better reaction when we flirt during combat...

MICHIRU

Ara... you're saying we should go and do that boring, tedious, Senshi thing again?

HARUKA

We're the most popular characters among the 18-27 year old viewers. Let's go out and fight a little so we can get marketed.

MICHIRU

Must we?

HARUKA

Oh, who knows, it might be fun!

MICHIRU[thinking to herself]

Yeah, fun for you to go out and beat up things, while the girl obsessed with you does things like removes a glass shard from your hand by sucking it out and drinking all the blood, or saves your butt from falling off of a building...

HARUKA [thinking to herself]

Lots of fun for me. The only reason I'm doing this is because Michiru looks SO CUTE in that short-skirted fuku. ^_^

SETSUNA [thinking to HARUKA and MICHIRU]

Will both of you please stop thinking to yourselves? It's getting annoying having to listen to you fall all over each other TELEPATHICALLY too! As if verbally wasn't enough!

HARUKA

Umm... right. To the Outer Senshi-mobile!

[HARUKA, MICHIRU, SETSUNA, and the constantly age-changing HOTARU, who at the present time has changed to age four and toddles along behind the other three... climb into HARUKA's yellow convertible, which, when turned on, begins blasting some cheesy music by New Kids on the Block.]

HARUKA [sweatdropping]

Uhhh... someone must have left that tape in the tape deck...

[SETSUNA and MICHIRU look at each other]

SETSUNA

Uh... yeah.

[HARUKA quickly changes the tape to Bohemian Rhapsody, to which all four begin headbanging as they drive off]

[meanwhile, on The WB in the United States...]

COSGROVE

Hey Freakazoid, wanna go to Kmart for their blue light special on socks?

FREAKAZOID

SURE!!!!

[big FREAKAZOID head scene-changer]

[as FREAKAZOID and COSGROVE pay for their socks, RAYMOND walks by]

RAYMOND

Kmart sucks, Kmart definitely sucks. Definitely.

COSGROVE

You know, Freakazoid, I think I know what The Lobe meant when he was talking about Sailor V!

FREAKAZOID

Really? What?

COSGROVE

He wasn't talking about Sailor V the character, he was talking about C'est La Vie! From Bubblegum Crisis!

FREAKAZOID

By GOD COSGROVE, you're RIGHT!

COSGROVE

Hey, if you play your cards right, you could be Linna's Boyfriend of the Week(tm)!

FREAKAZOID

Noooo thank you! I'd rather go after that cute Sylia. I've got a thing for dark-haired chicks.

[channel changes back to TV Asahi]

[MAMORU and MOTOKI are in a car. MOTOKI is driving.]

MOTOKI

Okay, so tell me again about the schools?

MAMORU

Okay, what you wanna know?

MOTOKI

They don't wear uniforms over there, right?

MAMORU

Okay, it breaks down like this. If you're in a public school you have a right to wear what you want. No uniforms. But it ain't 100% freedom, like you can't come in wearin' a shirt advocating something like weed... it has to be within a certain dress code... but... that don't matter. If you get caught wearin' a shirt they don't like, you just pretend you don't speak English and they totally let you off.

MOTOKI

Oh, man, I wish I had gone there, damn I wish I had gone there.

MAMORU

Yeah, you dig it the most... but you know... the weirdest thing about the United States... it ain't the big differences... it's the little things.

MOTOKI

Example?

MAMORU

Well... you can go into McDonald's over there, but you can't get table service.

MOTOKI

No table service? Damn, must be horrible. They got anime over there?

MAMORU

Yeah, they got anime, but it's mostly screwed up... like... you know what they call Usagi in the United States?

MOTOKI

They don't call her Usagi?

MAMORU

No, man, they got English over there, they don't know what the hell an "usagi" is... they call her Serena.

MOTOKI

Serena? Damn! What do they call Haruna-sensei?

MAMORU

Haruna-sensei is Haruna, except they call her MISS Haruna.

MOTOKI [chuckling]

MISS Haruna. What do they call Chibi Usa?

MAMORU

I dunno, I didn't stick around for Sailor Moon R... that was all I could stand.

MOTOKI

No doubt. Hey, this looks like the place...

MAMORU

Okay... thanks Motoki-kun. I'll see ya around.

MOTOKI

Take it easy.

[MAMORU gets out of the car and looks around as MOTOKI drives off]

MAMORU [thinking to himself]

Hmm... I should really have a shotgun for this one...

[meanwhile, in Hell]

PAT BUCHANAN

I feel your pain? I'll show you pain!

[SAILOR SENSHI scream in horror as PAT BUCHANAN launches into his super-conservative ninja attack]

STEPHEN FORBES

My FUNDS OF DOOM will keep you satiated while I destroy you! LIQUID... ASSETS!

[STEPHEN FORBES shoots money at the SENSHI]

BOB DOLE

I'm ugly and boring! Fear me!

[BOB DOLE makes a hideous face, which isn't very hard, he just has to make eye contact]

[SAILOR MOON produces the Spiral Heart Moon Rod]

SAILOR MOON

Rainbow Moon Heart... ACHE!

[nothing happens]

SAILOR MOON

RAINBOW MOON HEART... ACHE!

[again, nothing happens]

[SAILOR MOON shakes the rod, then unscrews the bottom, and removes two batteries that read "SuperVolt", which she changes]

SAILOR MOON

Rainbow Moon Heart... ACHE!

[nothing happens]

SAILOR MOON

GRRRRRR!!!! What's wrong with this stupid thing?!

SAILOR MERCURY

Ano... Usagi-chan? It might be tactically sound for you to go Super before attempting that attack...

SAILOR MOON

I knew that. Ahem... CRISIS, MAKE UP!

[nothing happens]

SAILOR MOON

GRRR! WHAT NOW?!

NARRATOR

But what Usagi-chan didn't remember is that the Holy Grail was destroyed by Mistress Nine at the end of Sailor Moon S, and the only other way was that Pegasus... which we're NOT bringing in for reasons of good taste!

SAILOR JUPITER

Me Jupiter no like! Me Jupiter smash!

[JUPITER picks up the three PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES and tosses them straight up, and into a part of Hell where people are tortured by being forced to watch infomercials for eternity.]

SAILOR JUPITER

Me Jupiter win! Flawless victory!

[SENSHI blink at JUPITER]

SAILOR VENUS

Ehh... bozo...

SAILOR JUPITER

Me Jupiter no bozo! Me Jupiter QUEEN!

SAILOR MOON

NONONONONO! I'm the Queen!

[SAILOR MARS starts to say something...]

SAILOR MOON

Don't even THINK of making a rude comment, or I'll kick that Shinto butt of yours so hard you'll turn BUDDHIST.

[MARS blinks....]

SATAN

Well done! Okay, I'll send you back to Earth now...

SAILOR MOON

Wai!

SATAN

See you soon, Sailor Senshi...

[POOF, SENSHI reappear back on Earth]

[Meanwhile, back at the THREE BILLS lair]

BANDAI

Clinton, you idiot! They escaped from Hell! They're getting closer and closer!

GATES

Never fear, Bandai. I have plan...

BANDAI

Really? Is it devious and cunning?

GATES

All that, and a bag of chips! I'll tell you about it next episode.

BANDAI

Okay, we were running a bit late, weren't we? Let's call it a day. CUT! Run the credits.

[credits]

USAGI

Next time on Sailor Moon Stupid! Gates reveals his newest creation! And we'll see how the world deals with it.

[brief shot of SKULD with a big ass mallet]

USAGI

Next time! Be here, or SUCK!

[Quick, it's Slam Dunk, change the channel!]

<< Main Page