Sailor Moon Stupid Episode #3 by Kevin Bruner

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Preliminary Note: No real harm is intended by the situations imposed on real people in here. It's suitable for people capable of determining that it is a JOKE.

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Email me at: mailto:kbruner[AT]freenet.tlh.fl.us

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[NINKU ends]

TV ASAHI ANNOUNCER

And now, stay tuned for a very SPECIAL episode of Ninku...

WHINY KIDS

Nooooooooo!!!! We wanna watch Sailor Moon!

TV ASAHI ANNOUNCER

All right, we can put on an idiotic episode of Sailor Moon for you wretched little snot-nosed brats. I hope Bandai eats your souls! [grumble, mutter]

WHINY KIDS

Yayyyyyyyyy!

[OP]

[Fade in: HARUKA, MICHIRU, SETSUNA, and HOTARU (age 12) are standing in front of the Three Bill's hideout.]

MICHIRU

The seas are angry.

HARUKA

The winds are also angry.

SETSUNA

And so are the fans. Henshin before they change the channel.

HARUKA [sweatdropping]

Um... right.

[HARUKA, MICHIRU, SETSUNA, and HOTARU produce their henshin rods, then raise them... then the most awesome music in the history of animated transformation scenes plays ^_^]

HARUKA

Uranus Planet Power, Make Up!

MICHIRU

Neptune Planet Power, Make Up!

SETSUNA

Pluto Planet Power, Make Up!

HOTARU

Yet to be named Saturn henshin phrase, Make Up!

[HARUKA, MICHIRU, SETSUNA, and HOTARU are transformed into their buttkicking OUTER SENSHI forms. The audience erupts into cheers, and Bandai's CEO's eyes turn to yen signs and make a "cha-ching" noise]

SAILOR URANUS

Minna... time to kick some ass!

[the OUTERS rush into the building and prepare for combat]

[Ep title: "Bill Gates' Evil Plan! Sailor Senshi Need a Life!"]

[meanwhile, at the Three Bills' Secret Lair]

BANDAI

So, tell us, Gates... what is this fantastic plan of yours?

GATES

Well, as you know, computers are so easy to use nowadays that a mere IMBECILE could use one.

[GATES looks at CLINTON, who has about 12 popsicles stuffed in his mouth]

GATES

With a few exceptions, of course... now, in any case... what do you think would happen if we made computers so pointlessly complicated with a shoddy operating system so pathetic, it confused people for hours? And what would happen if this operating system was installed on the biggest server in the world... the one CONTROLLING the world!

BANDAI

I *like* this, Gates... what have you got?

GATES

Gentlemen, I'd like to unveil... YGGDRASSIL '95!

[GATES holds up a box in a blue sky/cloud cover with text that reads "YGGDRASSIL '95" and the slogan "Start it Up!" (which has in fine print "and watch it crash")]

BANDAI

Excellent, EXCELLENT! With my evil marketing powers, I'll have it installed in no time!

GATES and BANDAI

MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!

CLINTON

Hey, look ya'll! I spelled my name with popsicle sticks!

GATES

Yeeeeeeeeeah.

BANDAI

Ooooooooooookay.

[Meanwhile, the INNER SENSHI plod deeper into the base... but strangely enough, they come out in a poorly drawn animated town]

SAILOR MARS

Where the heck are we now?

[Suddenly, something CRUNCHES under SAILOR JUPITER'S boot]

SAILOR JUPITER

Ewww, I stepped in something... purple?

[JUPITER lifts her foot, and a purple cat picks itself up and several bones snap back into place]

SAILOR MOON

Waiwai! Neko!

[The purple cat is glomped by SAILOR MOON, until the cat says, "OW! Hey, hee hee, stop that!]

[SAILOR MOON drops the cat, dumbstruck]

SAILOR MOON Neko... can talk! WAI! Whoever heard of something like that?

EEK THE CAT

Um, hi! My name's Eek the Cat! This is McTropolis! What are your names?

[SAILOR MOON starts to go into the POSE...]

SAILOR MOON

Ai to seigino, sailor fuku bishoujo senshi... SAILOR MOON! Tsuki ni kawatte... oshiokiyo!

[NINJA NINNIES walk by]

NINJA #1

Three...

NINJA #2

We're still going...

EEK THE CAT

Gee, Sailor Moon, why are you and your friends here?

SAILOR MOON

We're looking for some evil badguys! Have you seen any?

EEK THE CAT

Well, gee, no... but if I do, I'll tell you.

SAILOR MOON

Would you like to help us find our way out of here?

EEK THE CAT

Sure, it never hurts to help!

SAILOR MARS

Wrong, I can name many occasions where it hurt quite SUBSTANTIALLY...

SAILOR VENUS

Shuddup, Mars, it's better than asking a cab driver.

EEK THE CAT

Wanna see a picture of my girlfriend Annabelle?

SAILOR MOON

Uh... sure!

[EEK pulls out a fold-out picture of an enormously fat pink cat]

SAILOR MOON

Um... gee, Eek... she's really... FAT.

[pause]

EEK THE CAT

Really?

SAILOR MOON

Yeah. Wanna see a picture of my boyfriend?

EEK THE CAT

Kum bah yah! I'd love to see your dearest one! The one that means the most to you! Your pride and joy, your heart and soul, your really nifty guy, your Mr. Lover Man, your Mr. Boombastic, your...

[SAILOR MOON pulls out a picture of MAMORU]

SAILOR MOON [beaming]

See? Isn't he cute?

EEK THE CAT

Um... gee, Sailor Moon... he's really... DORKY LOOKING.

[SAILOR MOON sweatdrops, and squints at the picture]

SAILOR MOON

Really?

[MARS, JUPITER, VENUS, and MERCURY are falling down laughing in the background. SAILOR MOON gets a big sweatdrop on the back of her head]

[meanwhile, in Yggdrassil]

[SKULD chases around a bug, eventually squishing it with a mallet]

SKULD

Ha! Got you, you dirty little bastard!

[a little white doorway opens, and BELLDANDY steps into the computer world]

BELLDANDY

Hi imoutochan!

SKULD

Oneechan! Where's Urd-oneesan?

BELLDANDY

Um, I think she's having breast reduction surgery.

SKULD

Eh?

BELLDANDY

Yeah, someone explained that little thing called "gravity" to her.

SKULD

Ouch. I know what you mean.

BELLDANDY

But look, Keiichi-kun got you a present!

SKULD

A present? For me? Is it ice cream?

BELLDANDY

No, we don't want you to SPAZZ on us. It's something for the computer.

[BELLDANDY passes a copy of Yggdrassil '95 to SKULD]

SKULD [reading]

Yggdrassil '95... by Microsoft... oneechan, what does "fubar" mean?

BELLDANDY

Don't ask me... I never did get used to mortal slang.

SKULD

Oh well... I guess I could install it. It says it has "convenient uninstall feature". What do I have to lose?

[SKULD opens a portal and shoves the software into it, and lightning strikes everywhere as Yggdrassil is recreated]

SKULD

I have a feeling I shouldn't have done that.

BELLDANDY

It's okay, imoutochan... let's just hit this "START" button...

[BELLDANDY kicks a box that reads "START" and suddenly, a dialogue box pops up that reads "GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT"]

SKULD

GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT?! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

[Suddenly, a swarm of bugs runs through.]

SKULD

AHHHHHHH! BUGS!!!!!! Quick, where's that uninstall?

BELLDANDY

I think the server's locked up!

SKULD

Oh crap!! We have to reboot, then reinstall the OLD software... where the hell did I put that Solaris backup?!

[meanwhile, in McTropolis, outside a convenience store, the SENSHI have all bought 32 oz Big Gulps of Pepsi (never leave home without it)]

SAILOR MOON

So, where is McTropolis?

EEK THE CAT

Why, it's in Canada, of course! In the good old province of Ontario, land of badgers, and trees, and nifty things!

SAILOR MERCURY

I'm sorry, did you say Ontario? As in Ottawa, Ontario?

EEK THE CAT

Um, yeah...

[Suddenly, the Pepsi in the cups ripples... something very big, or very numerous is heading this way]

SAILOR VENUS

What... was that?

[BOOM]

SAILOR MARS

It's getting closer...!

[BOOM]

[EEK suddenly screams, "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" and runs off with his tongue hanging out of his mouth and eyes bugged out]

[BOOM]

SAILOR MOON

Eeeeeeh... minna, I have a very bad feeling about this.

GEORGE LUCAS' LAWYER

I'm sorry, you'll have to change that last line, or we'll have to sue you.

SAILOR MOON

Oh, gomen. Ahem... minna, I think we're in trouble now...

[And suddenly, over the horizon comes a battalion of screaming, drooling kids heading right for the SAILOR SENSHI]

KIDS

SAILOR SCOUTS!! COOOOOOOOOOOOOL!

SAILOR JUPITER

Sailor what?

SAILOR MERCURY

Scouts, I think. My Japanese to Annoying Snotnosed Brat translations aren't quite what they should be.

SAILOR VENUS

We're scouting for something?

SAILOR MARS

Yeah... like the PLOT.

SAILOR MOON

Shut up, Rei-chan!

SAILOR MARS

I'm not taking orders from you, you self-centered little blonde rabbit-haired dirt-eating tuxedo-kissing cat-slapping English-flunking pocky-sucking obentou-inhaling dojinshi-reading little bitch windbag ninny of a twit!

SAILOR VENUS

MINNA, MINNA! Keep it down... look!

ANNOYING GUY

Hey, we're the Ottawa Sailor Moon Club!

SAILOR JUPITER

The... who?!

ANNOYING GUY

The Ottawa Sailor Moon Club! We love the Sailor Scouts!

SAILOR MERCURY

There's that word again...

ANNOYING GUY

We've watched every episode of Sailor Moon and we know everything about it! For example... did you know that the Three Talismans also correspond to an ancient Japanese legend about three mystical artifacts from heaven created by the Sun Goddess...

SAILOR MOON [turns to the camera]

Is this you? Well, if so, thanks to a joint effort with Warner Brothers, we have extended the "Please, Please, PLEASE Get a Life Foundation" to ANIME OTAKU as well. Just look at how we can help these people.

ANNOYING GUY

... and then Sailor Sol, who was in that great fanfic Sailor Moon Ace... is like an analogy to Amaterasu, the ancient Japanese Sun Goddess... WHO BROUGHT THE TALISMANS TO EARTH! It all ties in! Creepy, isn't it? Well, I think Ace would be better if...

[SAILOR MOON motions in AKANE, who takes a gigantic anime mallet and flattens ANNOYING GUY into the ground]

ANNOYING GUY'S GIRLFRIEND (actually, we seriously DOUBT the validity of this)

Yeah, Sailor Moon Ace! I've made Asahi my GODDESS, man! I receive divine messages from her, and I worship the sun and stuff! And I'm changing my name to Asahi, because it's SOOOOOOOO cool... and I'm gonna...

[SAILOR MOON leads in SON GOKUU who kame-hame-ha's the ANNOYING GUY'S GIRLFRIEND into the Pacific Ocean]

SAILOR MOON

So, sign up an otaku for the "Please, Please, Please Get a Life Foundation". We're not just for Animaniacs fans anymore.

[The ANNOYING KIDS continue to attack when suddenly... a strange redhead in a strange outfit and a mysterious dark-haired girl in a similar outfit appear. They both have glowing marks on their foreheads...]

REDHEAD

Hey, it's the Ottawa Sailor Moon Club rejects!

DARK-HAIRED GIRL

Yeah, it sure is! I guess we should put them out of their lifeless misery...

[In one fell swoop, the two girls lay waste to the ANNOYING KIDS, then leap into the air and are obscured by the sunlight as they fly away on wings of light...]

SAILOR VENUS

Who... was that?

SAILOR MARS

Competing American shoujo shows, and I have the feeling they're going to be cooler than us!

SAILOR SENSHI

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhh!!!

[commercial break]

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[LUNA is crushed under the hiragana for...]

ANNOYING KIDS (singing)

Baka-yo-shi!

SCARY NAKAYOSHI GUY (brandishing gun, talking in Jack Nicholson voice)

Hai minna, it's the Nakayoshi guy... now listen here, Charlie... either you get down here and buy some Sailor Moon stuff, or I'm gonna execute every (expletive bleeped out) last one of you. You think I'm kiddin', dontcha Charlie? Well, I have here in my studio the Olson Twins, and we're not gonna let 'em get out of here alive until you buy some stuff! Got that, jack? Heh? Heh? AH HA HA HA HA!

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[back from commercial]

[fade in to a large atrium inside the Thee Bill's Hideout, where the Outer Senshi are making their way through semi-silently]

SAILOR URANUS

... and then I told her, "Have you ever seen The Crying Game?"

SAILOR PLUTO

Neptune, please shut her up, we've only heard this story about five million times. And we're only going to hear it about five million more.

[SAILOR NEPTUNE takes the Deep Aqua Mirror and clongs URANUS in the head with it]

SAILOR URANUS

Oi!

SAILOR NEPTUNE

Sorry, you were rambling...

[suddenly, BILL GATES steps out of a portal]

SAILOR PLUTO

Masaka!

SAILOR SATURN

Magnavox!

[Everyone sweatdrops at SATURN]

SAILOR URANUS

Not smart. NOT very smart. Just be quiet, you had a few token lines in S, then you couldn't speak.

SAILOR SATURN [chastised]

Hai.

BILL GATES

Well, well, well. If it isn't the Outer Senshi! I've got good news for you. Now that those stupid Goddesses have installed my computer program, I can do anything I want! You didn't know the slogan was "Where Do *I* Want to Go Today?" did you?

SAILOR NEPTUNE [smirking]

I thought it was "Who Do You Want to Blow Today?"

SAILOR URANUS

Ooh. Brutal.

BILL GATES

You're... MOCKING me, aren't you? You Senshi think you're so smart! Well, I have some Senshi of my own to introduce you to! Allow me to introduce...

[a door opens with several fuku-clad freaks standing in it]

BILL GATES

... the STATE SENSHI!

SAILOR WISCONSIN

Representing the power of our Dairy Air [kids, ask your parents, if you don't get it], I am the Cheesy Senshi, Sailor Wisconsin!

SAILOR NEW JERSEY

Oi, jerky! Sailor New Jersey over here!

SAILOR TEXAS

Yee-haw, ya'll! Sailor Texas is gonna whoop ya'lls asses!

SAILOR FLORIDA

I duwanna talk to you! I'm Sailor Florida, and I'm supposed to be in retirement. Where's my Social Security, ya bums?

SAILOR URANUS

This is ridiculous.

SAILOR NEPTUNE

Well, they could have sent politically correct Senshi after us. Be thankful these are all stereotypical.

BILL GATES

DESTROY THEM!

SAILOR URANUS

Pluto, can you do anything?

SAILOR PLUTO [thinking]

I have an idea...

[SAILOR PLUTO points suddenly behind the STATE SENSHI]

SAILOR PLUTO

Look! The Three Lights in concert!

[The STATE SENSHI turn and look.]

SAILOR URANUS

Hightail it, minna!

[the OUTERS begin to run... then stop]

SAILOR NEPTUNE

Wait a second... why are we running?

SAILOR URANUS

Good question. We never run from a real fight...

SAILOR NEPTUNE

Don't you even START.

SAILOR SATURN

Don't quote the DIC version, or we're gonna smack you. You think I messed you up in Lunatic Party, you ain't seen NOTHING yet.

SAILOR URANUS

Ehehe! Sorry.

[URANUS spins around and goes into her awesome animation...]

SAILOR URANUS

World-o... Shaking!

SAILOR NEW JERSEY

Geez, what's with the "doh"? Ain't ya never spoke proper English over here? Ya sound like freakin' Homer Simpson. Worldo Shaking... heh...

[unfortunately, SAILOR NEW JERKY... er... JERSEY... talks for too long. The attack slams into her, shattering her into hundreds of pieces]

SAILOR NEPTUNE

Deep... Submerge-i!

[the ringed blue ball of water slams into SAILOR TEXAS, who disintegrates]

SAILOR PLUTO [whispering]

Dead-o... Scream!

SAILOR FLORIDA

Eh..? Speak up! I can't hear you? Eh? Eh? Speak up! Oh. Never mind.

[FLORIDA doesn't hear the Dead Scream coming, and is wiped out by it]

SAILOR SATURN

Death Ribbon... Revolution!

SAILOR WISCONSIN

Oh no you don't! Wisconsin CHEESE BLAST!

[the two attacks meet in the center, but SAILOR SATURN's is much stronger, and SAILOR WISCONSIN is destroyed]

SAILOR URANUS

Well done, Outer Senshi. Through our powers of bad English pronunciation, we have successfully triumphed over mediocrity!

NEPTUNE, PLUTO and SATURN [unenthusiastically]

Yay.

BILL GATES

So, you defeated my State Senshi! You win this time, Outer Senshi, but next time you won't be so lucky!

SAILOR PLUTO

You're the one who's never going to get lucky.

BILL GATES

Oh, so you think you're funny, eh? Well! We'll see who has the last laugh! Ha ha ha ha ha!

[BILL GATES turns to run, misses the door, and smashes into the wall. The OUTER SENSHI just GRIN]

BILL GATES

I'll get you next time, Gadget! I mean... Outers! Next time!

[BILL GATES runs away]

SAILOR URANUS

Minna... let's follow him...

[PLUTO and NEPTUNE nod. The Outers chase in the direction BILL GATES ran. SAILOR SATURN has now reverted to a one and a half year old baby and crawls along behind them, brandishing her deadly Silence Rattle]

[Meanwhile, back at the Not So Secret Hideout of the THREE BILLS]

BANDAI

Gates, you idiot, you let them defeat you!

GATES

I didn't LET them defeat me! It was all part of my master plan! You know the saying... it's not a bug, it's a FEATURE!

BANDAI

You'd better have a good plan, because those Goddesses just reinstalled their old operating system on the universe.

GATES

I think it's time to call in an old favor...

CLINTON

You don't mean... *gasp*... no... not THEM...

GATES

Yes. THEM.

BANDAI

Are you sure that's wise?

GATES

It's the only option we have left. Summon the BAD FANFIC WRITERS.

[jarring chord]

[fade out - credits]

USAGI

Next time on Sailor Moon Stupid! The Three Bills bring in their most deadly creation yet... will all nine Senshi together be enough to stop the attack of the bad fanfic writers? If you don't know the answer to that, you're probably a pessimist and need to see a psychiatrist. Really. He can prescribe those little yellow pills for you. They help, a lot. Minako-chan had to take them.

MINAKO

Shut up, Usagi! I told you not to tell about that!

USAGI

Oh! Right, sorry! Ehehehehe! Anyway, don't miss the next episode of Sailor Moon Stupid!

[SLAM DUNK comes on]

AKAGI

Hi, I'm a wannabe Michael Jordan from Japan, and even though I look like I'm 22, I'm only 17 and in high school...

[CLICK]

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