Sailor Moon Stupid Episode #4 by Kevin Bruner

Email me at: mailto:kbruner[AT]freenet.tlh.fl.us

****************************************************************************

[TV Asahi logo]

USAGI

Today on Sailor Moon Stupid... the final battle against the Three Bills! And then we'll see what else our producer can throw at us. All today on Sailor Moon Stupid! Best entertainment you can get at 7:00 PM on a Sunday night. Unless you change the channel. Oh... what? They say not to change the channel.

[annoying tone, which was not recorded on the second audio channel like any good film student knows it should]

[OP]

[Ep Title: 9 Senshi United! War Against Mediocrity!]

[fade in to the Three Bills hideout]

GATES

The Outer Senshi are much too cool and powerful! I couldn't defeat them.

BANDAI

Damn it! I knew I should have pushed Toei to give them their own show. Oh well, I guess it's too late now. Send out the bad fanfic writers.

[BAD FANFIC WRITERS file out the door laughing stupidly]

[Meanwhile, the INNER SENSHI have found their way back into the lab, and they pass a strange kid with an umbrella]

RYOUGA

Excuse me... could you tell me where the hell I am?

SAILOR MOON

You're in the secret base of the Three Bills, which we've been searching for for four whole episodes!

RYOUGA

AGAIN?! Geez... this is all that dumb Ranma's fault...

[RYOUGA goes off muttering to himself]

SAILOR JUPITER

Finally, someone more lost than Sailor Moon.

SAILOR MARS

But not necessarily more clueless. That's where the difference lies.

SAILOR MOON

Et tu, Jupiter-chan?!

SAILOR VENUS

Semper ubi sub ubi.

SAILOR MERCURY

E pluribus unum.

SAILOR JUPITER

El queso es viejo y moroso.

SAILOR MOON

What the HELL are you all saying?

SAILOR MERCURY

Ano, Jupiter, that's Spanish, not Latin.

SAILOR MOON

Was there a point to that scene?

SAILOR MERCURY

Not really, the author is just hitting keys and making us say silly things.

SAILOR MOON

Thought so. If he wasn't listening to Future Crew, he'd probably be coming up with something intelligent for us to be doing, instead of just talking.

SAILOR VENUS

Has he EVER come up with something intelligent for us to be doing? This whole story is a complete mockery of our show.

SAILOR JUPITER

It could be worse. Look.

[suddenly, the BAD FANFIC WRITERS appear, laughing stupidly]

SAILOR MARS

Shi... matta! HA! You thought I was going to swear, didn't you?

BAD FANFIC WRITER #1

Hey, it's the Sailor Senshi! That gives me an idea! Let's write a STORY!

SAILOR VENUS

Whuh-oh.

SAILOR MERCURY

Not to be rude or anything, but... don't you think it'd be better if you wrote an original story?

BAD FANFIC WRITER #1

Naaaah! What good is originality if you can't crank it out? Besides, it saves us time for tedious character development.

BAD FANFIC WRITER #2

Agreed! Now let's capture some source material!

[BAD FANFIC WRITERS leap at the INNERS]

VOICE

Matte nasai!

SAILOR MOON [blink]

What the...?

SAILOR URANUS

Invited by a new age where the television programs are much better, Sailor Uranus! Standing in ambiguity!

SAILOR NEPTUNE

Also invited by a new age, where there are chicks with aqua green hair, Sailor Neptune! Standing in submission!

SAILOR PLUTO

Also invited by a new age, where we can set the timers on our VCRs, Sailor Pluto! Standing behind the other characters!

SAILOR SATURN

Also invited by a new age, where we can carry big sharp staves with us all the time, Sailor Saturn! You're STANDING ON MY FOOT!

SAILOR URANUS

Oops, sorry.

BAD FANFIC WRITER #1

Hey, those are Sailor Scouts we haven't seen before!

BAD FANFIC WRITER #2

They look too weird to write a story about.

BAD FANFIC WRITER #1

No, they look cool! Hmm... I'm coming up with a great idea... I'll call it... Sailor Moon A!

SAILOR NEPTUNE

I'm willing to lay even money that the A stands for asinine.

SAILOR URANUS

I think I'd rather it have strychnine. It's a less painful way to die.

SAILOR PLUTO

Now now. You know the Golden Rule, don't you?

SAILOR URANUS

Yeah. Do unto others before they can do unto you.

SAILOR PLUTO

Very good! And you learned that without my help!

SAILOR NEPTUNE

Ano, Pluto... we'll let you know when we learn something from you.

SAILOR PLUTO

Here's a lesson. Always get in the first strike. Dead... Scream!

[PLUTO blasts the fanfic writers down with a Dead Scream wind blast, but the fanfic writers pull out kites and fly them. PLUTO looks exasperated.]

SAILOR MOON

Ano! Outer Senshi!

SAILOR URANUS

That's right, he we are, in all our merchandisable glory!

[suddenly, a sound like fingers snapping comes from nearby, and three figures are standing sillhouetted...]

SAILOR MOON

Who the heck are they?!!

SAILOR MARS

Can it be...?

SAILOR MERCURY

New Sailor Senshi?!!

[light is cast on the three figures, and they are revealed to be three dancing white boy gang members]

SAILOR PLUTO

Nah. It's just three guys from West Side Story.

SAILOR URANUS [singing]

Michiru... I met a girl named Michiru...

SAILOR NEPTUNE

I bet you feel pretty... er... pretty silly that is.

SAILOR PLUTO

Knock off the West Side Story jokes. GEEZ.

SAILOR MOON

*ahem*

[everyone turns to look at SAILOR MOON, who, after realizing everyone's attention...]

SAILOR MOON

Ai to seigino! Sailor fuku bishoujo senshi... SAIIIIILOR MOOOOOOOOON!

NINJA #1

Here it comes...

SAILOR MOON

Tsuki ni kawatte... OSHIOKIYO!

NINJA #2

Still going! Geez, this is ridiculous.

SAILOR MOON

I will strike you down with great vengeance and fury, and you will know my name is SAILOR MOON when I lay the smack down upon you!

BAD FANFIC WRITER #1

Hey, that sounded like a copy of Pulp Fiction!

SAILOR MOON

It was supposed to, you fool! Moon Tiara... ACTION!

[SAILOR MOON's Frisbee 'o Death takes the BAD FANFIC WRITER'S head off]

[everyone pikus]

SAILOR URANUS

Whoa! FREE FOR AAAAAAAAALL!

[miscellaneous carnage as the SENSHI and FANFIC WRITERS scrap in a huge cloud]

[hummmmmmm THWACK... a rose imbeds itself near the cloud, which freezes and clears to show everyone in awkward positions. SAILOR MOON looks up and says the inevitable lines.]

SAILOR MOON

Tuxedo Kamen-sama!

[cue music, except it has lots of ghetto drop]

TUXEDO KAMEN

That's right, bitch, I'm Tuxedo Kamen, and you best have my money!

SAILOR MOON

I don't have it WITH me! What, you think I have pockets in this getup?

TUXEDO KAMEN

Well, bitch better have my money next time! Now git ya'lls asses out of there 'fore I beat ya'lls asses with a rubber hose.

SAILOR MERCURY

Ano... Sailor Moon... why do you owe Tuxedo Kamen-sama money?

SAILOR MOON

Uh... protection money.

SAILOR MERCURY

I did not know that.

[TUXEDO KAMEN leaps to the floor and systematically beats all the fanfic writers with his cane]

[Suddenly, the THREE BILLS appear, and fire green lasers at TUXEDO KAMEN]

TUXEDO KAMEN

Oh NO. You did not shoot that green shit at me!

[TUXEDO KAMEN deflects each and every one of the laser beams with his cane 'o death, then prepares for his new attack]

TUXEDO KAMEN

Tuxedo la Smokin' Weed! Moon Prism Power, Toke UP!

[TUXEDO KAMEN goes off to roll a couple. The THREE BILLS turn their attention to the SAILOR SENSHI]

BANDAI

Well, well, well. All nine of the Sailor Senshi right here for us to systematically exterminate.

GATES

You shall be cut down before us like frogs under a lawnmower.

CLINTON

It'll be cooler than Independence Day!

BANDAI

You said it. And have a more realistic plot, too!

[suddenly...]

CHIBI USA

Hey, JERK ASS!

THREE BILLS

Huh?!

CHIBI USA

Usagi, you left me in that theater, and I saw Pulp Fiction 13 times today before they finally kicked me out.

SAILOR MOON

Aaah... gomen ne, Chibi Usa-chan...

CHIBI USA

I don't remember asking you a damn thing. And as for YOU three... it's your fault we're stuck in this crappy parody! I'm not through with you by any stretch of imagination. I'm gonna get PLANETARY on your ass. And you will know my name is Sailor Chibi Moon when I put the smack down upon you! Luna-P, machine gun!

[LUNA-P flies up into the air and changes into an AR-15. CHIBI USA mows down the THREE BILLS. Everyone is shocked. O_o]

SAILOR MOON

She gets that from me.

SAILOR MARS

Just as sure as Elvis is still alive and living in a trailer park outside Milwaukee.

SAILOR MOON

Shut up, Rei-chan. We have to go celebrate now.

SAILOR URANUS

NAKED TWISTER AT OUR HOUSE!

[everyone facefaults, except for VENUS and NEPTUNE. Then after a second, VENUS decides she should facefault too.]

SAILOR PLUTO

No, no, no. You're forgetting the most important part of this show.

SAILOR NEPTUNE

Which is...?

SAILOR PLUTO

What have we learned from this?

SAILOR MERCURY

I got a deep meaningful feeling from this story, as if my eyes were finally opened to a great truth.

SAILOR VENUS

I learned that we can learn to get along much better through love, understanding, and heavy artillery.

SAILOR MARS

I learned that if you can't say something nice, you'll get a lot better ratings if you say it anyway.

SAILOR JUPITER

I learned that not only Americans can make heinously pointless characters to fit into a story. Black leather Senshi? Pheh.

SAILOR URANUS

I learned that it's okay for girls to cut their hair real short and trick other girls into thinking they're guys because they'll get their own spot on Jerry Springer one day.

SAILOR NEPTUNE

I learned that metal handcuffs are better than rope because they don't chafe.

SAILOR SATURN

I learned that anime can make anyone look cute, even the Antichrist.

SAILOR PLUTO

And I learned the most important lesson of all. Anime is a 30 minute commercial, and we can sell it to Americans for lots of money. And so, in the spirit of true shoujo anime, let me be the first to say, blah blah blah, yackity smackity!

[THE END]

[Or is it...?]

[Nah. Of course not. Watch for the Sequel to this, "Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Smackdown", coming soon. Now go away.]

[click]

<< Main Page